I’ve talked about writing this article for several years, but the timing never seemed quite right. It’s rather heavy for a blog about gift baskets, and yet such an important topic that ignoring it seems the wrong thing to do. And then, as you will understand after reading, there is the fear of opening myself up to criticism and disapproval. All these factors have conspired against my doing this.
But the world just lost Robin Williams, a source of light and joy for so many people. People everywhere are trying to come to terms with how he could do this, unable to wrap their brains around clinical depression and how it impacts its sufferers. So, with deep respect and thanks to Christine Miserandino for her article Spoon Theory on living with sickness, I am going to try to explain depression with what I call the Gorilla on my Back.
I have both a chronic illness (Crohn’s disease) and clinical depression. In my universe, they are separate beasts that I struggle with on a daily basis to control. My friends and family are supportive and loving, but had trouble understanding what depression felt like until I came up with the Gorilla concept to help my father, who also had clinical depression, convey his emotional state to his medical teams.
Depression is an ape on your back. Every day presents a different ape to deal with. The goal in living with depression is to have a spider monkey. Spider monkeys are tiny little fellows. They cling pretty tightly, and can certainly get in the way, but hey, you can manage a spider monkey. You can put a leash on it, you can walk around with it on your shoulder and it might require some attention, but you can breathe, you can think, and for a while, you might even forget it is there. A spider monkey isn’t perfect, but it’s absolutely reasonable.
Some days you have a monkey on your back. This guy is bigger than the spider monkey. He is probably still controllable, but he’s certainly more of a problem. He is going to steal your food, so you won’t eat much. He is going to distract you so you can’t focus on what’s in front of you, and he’s going to trip you up, but you can probably work around him with some extra effort.
Orangutans are harder. They are big, heavy and have really long arms that reach around and cause trouble. They push away things that give you joy, make it hard for other people to get near you, weigh you down. They will literally cause you physical pain and block your ability to see the path to relief. If you live with depression, you develop the strength to carry around an orangutan, but you are aware of its presence 100 percent of the time. It impacts the way you eat, sleep, play, work, and interact with friends and family. Having an orangutan on your back is a huge, heavy weight to bear.
Then there is the gorilla. Imagine how hard it would be to get out of bed with a gorilla on your back. Think about how difficult it would be to get dressed, to brush your teeth, to go to work and do your job with the crushing weight of a gorilla on your back. Imagine the pain — both physical and emotional — that the gorilla is going to cause. Try to breathe or eat or think; the effort is exhausting.
Now, live with your primate of the day when no one else knows it is there. They can’t see the monkey, orangutan or gorilla, and you can’t make them believe it’s there. They want you to shake it off, ignore it, think about something else. They haven’t lived with a monkey on their backs, and they cannot begin to understand how overwhelming life is with a monkey.
Those of us suffering clinical depression are given tools to help control and tame our beasts — medications, therapy, exercise — but some days those are not enough. If we aren’t using all the available tools, finding the strength and energy to pick them up is sometimes more than we can do, because simply being is an exercise in emotional and physical endurance.
So, how do you help someone like me — or like Robin Williams — live with a monkey on his or her back?
One: Don’t be judgmental. Trust me, no one wants to live like this. No one would choose to deal with this. It might look like we are not doing what we need to or that we are wallowing in the pain. But from where we sit, we don’t see any way out. We are too busy just trying to breathe.
Two: Respect it. While you may never be able to fully empathize, respect that this is a very real pain, in every sense of the word. We know that what we are feeling may not be logical, may not be reality, but that doesn’t change how it feels — and it feels lousy.
Three: Offer the help you can. Be a friend, show the love. Don’t walk away or get angry — that just feeds the monkey. Ask (gently) if we have taken our meds, help us make a doctor’s appointment, come by and just spend time, even if we can’t tell you we want you to. Listen to us, let us cry and encourage us to not check out from the world. And know that sometimes we are doing all the things we are supposed to be doing … and yet King Kong is moving in. It is just like that sometimes.
Finally, watch for cries for help. I am blessed; my family and friends know that when I have gorillas, I need support. And thanks to this analogy, I am able to tell them how I feel with just a few words, instead of trying to explain how the day is going. I have a monkey, I have an orangutan, I have a gorilla.
The gorillas are real.
Lise I never knew you had clinical depression, it was so nice for you to share what it truly means to having
depression. I feel blue some days because I am missing my mom and have few friends. It;s great that you have a wonderfjul support system to help you through the gorilla days. Robin Williams was making everyone laugh, but underneath it all he was really sad…….that is so sad for everyone.
All the best,
Thanks Joann. I’m finding that many people who I thought were aware, had no clue. Apparently I am a better actress than I give myself credit for. 🙂
The feelings of depression, melancholy, feeling alone or unable to be effective- sometime swell like waves. The waves can carry us overboard into a sea, that is so vast, that it seems neither shore nor respite can be found. Calling aloud for safe harbor can be as tasking as floundering for days or longer.
Your blog brings clarity to the challenges of living with depression, anxiety, illness, and other mental, emotional, or physical trials. Thank you for the insight into what it is to be held captive without compliance, and how much effort goes into staying the course everyday. Kudos for helping all who read your blog to find a light on which to hang hope and support when we are flooded with difficulties.
Lise. Great article. I’ve known that you suffer with both Crohn’s and depression for awhile now. Since I (and many others like me) fortunately don’t experience depression, it is hard to understand someone who does. Your article provides a great explanation that should help those, who don’t experience it, understand it.
It helps us to know when someone does experience depression and I appreciate your being honest about it. Part of the problem with how others treat a depressed person is that we don’t know what the problem is and can’t understand why they act the way they do.
Thank you for this article.
Thanks Joyce. Being so public is not always easy, but seems to serve the greater good. I hope. 🙂
I have a friend who lives with her mom and they both suffer from depression. It’s an unhealthy atmosphere for both and, with meds, they do try to control it. But sometimes that ape comes swinging around at odd times.
I thank you for your transparency because my friend and her mom feel as if they are ‘the only ones’ who are experiencing these symptoms, which leads them to feelings of isolation and deeper emotional twinges. It helps to communicate and allow others to realize that there are supportive groups out there… with people who actually care.
I simply wish more folk would educate themselves about the disease and not cast judgmental stones or hurl hurtful opinionated comments at the ones who find themselves in its clutches. May none of us think we’re ever ‘perfect’ becaus that is a fallacy. We all have a different type of an ape swinging around our shoulder. It may not be depression but as my mom used to say: we all have a cross of our own to bear.
Thanks for the kind words. Opening up isn’t always easy, but I’m pretty ‘out there’ with everything….I hope this is helpful for you and your friend. The battle is ongoing, even when we thing we have that monkey well caged.
Thanks Lise! That is a great analogy. There are a lot of people who do not understand depression and think you should just “get over it” or “deal with it”. Sometimes it is just not that easy. MaryB
No….not something you can just shake off. Hope you feel well with tiny monkeys.
Thank you for your brave post. A friend shared this with me, we both suffer from depression and I also have fibromyalgia. My husband ‘runs for the hills’ on the really bad days, or those days when he is not able to cope himself. I will be sharing this with my husband, as it may help him (and help me in the process) !
Keep in mind, know in your heart, that although there are the ignoramuses (and trolls) out there, it is a medical, clinical condition. And that the naysayers are ignorant. And they may just wish to remain that way because it is more comfortable for them.
Bless you and stay strong.
Thanks for the kind words Edie. My goal was always to help folks – both those living withdepression (like our husbands) and those living through depression. Its hard on everyone.
Lise, thanks for sharing this. What a wonderful analogy and thoughtful article. you are also a very good friend. Thank you so much and have a good, healthy, and happy Pesach.
Hope it is helpful Harvey!
Keep on writing, great job!
Am Hoping the webmaster wont get bothered by this, but I created a great spotify playlist inspired by your writing.
Thank you for eloquently and accurately describing what it feels like when one has depession.
You’re welcome Helen. Hoping this helps other folks trying to describe what they are going through.